All the things I'll never
by love-stories.23
Summary: Scully writes a letter to the child that will never be after her failed IVF treatment.


AN: this story is very personal for me, I used the characters of Dana Scully and Fox Mulder without permission. This is not a story just for fun, but it was cathartic for me. No infringment on the character is intended. I'm thankfull for CC, 1013 production, GA and DD for giving me these wonderful characters, and specifically for this story line in the series. 

Dana Scully was sitting at her desk. It was late at night, the only light in the room was that from a candle and the light from her laptop. A glass of red wine was sitting on the desk besides her.

It had been 3 days since she found out that her last IVF attempt had failed. Every time she thought about it her heart broke. If she had wanted one thing in her life, than it was having a baby. A little boy or girl with her complexion and coloring, but with hints of Fox Mulder in the mix. It would have been a beautiful child.

Ever since Mulder had told her it was still possible for her to have children, she couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities. And when doctor Parenti had told her she had to hurry and start right away and asked if she knew of a possible donor, the only man that had come to mind had been her partner, and best friend, Mulder. Asking him to help her had been one of the hardest things she had to do in her life, but when he had agreed, she was over the moon.

She knew, of course, that IVF didn't have a 100% guarantee, but for once she hoped that the Universe was in her favor. Because, by God, if anybody deserved a break, deserved to have something good, it had to be her (and Mulder). But now, now it was clear that it wasn't to be. There was no little baby growing inside her.

It had broken her heart to have to tell Mulder the bad news. He had been really sweet and understanding. He had seemed heartbroken and devastated.

Now she was sitting here with a blank screen in front of her. She had felt so many emotions in the last couple of days. Sorrow, anger, disappointment, grief, extreme sadness. When she was younger she had kept a diary. She had written in it like writing to a friend, much like Anne Frank had done in WW II. She had decided that that was what she wanted to do now. Write about what was happening, of what she was feeling. She took a big gulp of her wine and started typing...

I'll never know...

what it feels like to see a pregnancy test turn positive;

the look on your fathers face when I'll tell him the news;

what it feels like to see you for the first time on a ultrasound;

the sound of your heartbeat the first time I'll hear it;

the look of joy on my mothers face when we'll tell her that you exist;

what it feels like to find out if you are a boy or a girl;

how it feels to feel you move inside me for the first time;

what it is like to give birth and forget all the pain the minute I'll see you for the first time.

I'll never know...

what it feels like to look at you for the first time and fall utterly, completely and madly in love;

what it will feel like to breast feed you, and know that all the nourishment you need is coming from me;

what it is to long for an undisturbed night of sleep;

what it will feel like to know that me and your father are the only ones that can make you stop crying;

what it will feel like to walk around all night carrying you, because you are teething;

how the sight of your first smile can melt my heart;

the look of love and trust in your eyes when you look at me.

I'll never...

get to feed you your first solid food;

see you take your first steps towards your father;

give you your first bath;

have to decorate your nursery;

have to change your nappies;

have to pick out your 'taking home' clothes.

I'll never know...

what it will be like to drop you of at daycare for the first time;

if you'll cry your first day at school;

whether or not your athletic or smart, or both;

what it feels like to have to punish you because you have been naughty;

how awful I will feel when we will have our first disagreement.

I'll never...

be able to help you with your first crush and your first broken heart;

go to your high school and college graduation;

see you get married to the person you love the most;

see you hold your own baby in your arms for the first time.

But most of all, I'll never know what you will look like, whether or not you look like your father or like me, or a perfect mix of us both.

And I'll never know that you know how much I, how much we, wanted you and how very loved you would have been.

All my love,

Mom

Tears were streaming down Dana's cheeks when she was done writing. A ringing noise started to make its way through her daze. It was the phone ringing. At this time of night it could only be one person. The only person she wanted to share her pain with, but also the only person she was afraid of showing her pain to.

But what ever happened, she knew she couldn't not answer the phone. She knew Mulder could hear immediately that she was crying. The only thing he said was that he was on his way over, before he hung up her.

Sure enough not much later there was knock on her door, but before she could answer she heard the key turning.

She saw Mulder looking at her and before she knew it he was by her side and enveloping her in a big hug. He was whispering sweet and comforting words in her hair and asked her how she was doing. She couldn't answer. The only thing she could do was nod her head to the screen of her laptop. She stood up to let him read what she had written and retreated to the kitchen. Her glass of whine had emptied and she needed another one. And she was pretty sure Mulder would want a glass as well as soon as he had read her letter. She took her time returning, but when she did, she saw his shoulders shake. He had heard her return and turned to her. There were tears streaming over his face. Now it was her turn to go over to him and envelope him in a hug. Nothing was said for a long time.

The only thing that could be heard were the soft sobs from two heartbroken people. A man and a woman who would never know their child.


End file.
